Month: December 2019

A Husband’s Guide to Christmas Shopping

My wife is a very reasonable person, an admirable characteristic, but there sometimes a gift must exceed the limits of practically and reach into frivolity and extravagance.

My wife is a very reasonable person, an admirable characteristic, but sometimes a gift must exceed the limits of practically and reach into frivolity and extravagance. You might could push your luck with a new appliance, but no woman wants to open a Christmas present and find a broom or mop.

I’m sure there are many things that I don’t do well, fortunately for my self esteem I’m only aware of a couple of them: chiefly, giving gifts. Especially to my wife. It’s a whole lot easier to just tell her, “I’ll take care of the kids this evening, why don’t you go out by yourself and go shopping?” She’s never disappointed to hear that and I think it helps keep her from losing her mind while she’s raising our kids. I pride myself on being able to pick up on subtle clues that she needs a night out. Like when she says, “I need to go out by myself soon.” I don’t plan to stop doing that, but let’s face it: that’s going to be a pretty lame Christmas present.

“A good gift should be something you really want, but won’t buy for yourself.”- Zach Wells

As I begin my Christmas shopping for my wife in earnest, I’ve decided to put together some of shopping principles for husbands who struggle to buy gifts for their wives.

Wives like gifts. They might tell you, “Oh don’t worry about getting me anything for Christmas.” But let’s be clear on this, no one wants to watch other people open presents and not have something to open on their own.

Clothes are dangerous. Picking out clothes for your wife could be disastrous unless you know exactly what they want and know their size. Furthermore, if you are a real red blooded man, you probably aren’t even hip to men’s fashion, much less ladies fashion.

Pajamas are safe. My wife did inform me that I was allowed to pick out some pajamas for her. Which is to say that she doesn’t mind me getting her clothes that she doesn’t have to be seen wearing.

Other articles of clothing you are allowed to get include: gloves, sunglasses, socks, house shoes, scarves, hair thingies, and earmuffs. Buy any other article of clothing at your own risk.

Candles. Unless your wife has respiratory issues, you’re probably safe to buy her a candle. Be prepared to be overwhelmed when you walk into the candle store though. It’s going to smell like a the fire department is trying to put out a spice factory fire with perfume. Instead of sticking your nose down in the jar and huffing until you get a headache, just go by the name. I recommend something with “Pie” in the name. No one really knows what a Zanzibar Clove is supposed to smell like, but everyone loves pie. I’ve been informed that those candles do not taste as good as they smell.

Pictures. If you want to really make your wife smile on Christmas morning, then make sure she unwraps a picture. It’s never been easier to print digital pictures, and if you know someone who is handy with photoshop, your wife might be getting a picture of you crossing the Delaware with Washington, or playing guitar with Elvis. If your wife doesn’t have a good sense of humor you could always just go with one of your favorite wedding photographs.

If any of you are still confused, here’s a short list of hot items that are sure to excite any wife this Christmas.

1. New House. Husbands who give their wives a new house for Christmas get a lifetime achievement award from NAOH (National Association of Husbands).

2. New Car

3. Fix that thing she has been telling you to fix.

4. Rain Head for the shower. Don’t tell her about this, just install it and leave in on the hard setting so she’s sure to notice.

5. Dishwasher. If your wife doesn’t have a dishwasher, she’ll appreciate this.

6. Spa package. I’m not sure what all goes on at the spa, but women seem to enjoy it.

7. New guitar

Since I’m running out of ideas, this is about all the advice that I can afford to give you. Like I said, I’m bad at this. I’m sure that you’ll do great this Christmas. Hopefully some wives will pitch in with some gift idea suggestions in the comments. They might be willing to help someone else’s husband, cause their husband ought to know.

The Churn

It’s just in human nature to use things against the manufacturer’s recommended use.

We had an old churn in the kitchen. I can’t remember it not being there. Our churn was never employed to make butter or anything like that, it just kept the refrigerator door closed. It’s just in human nature to use things against the manufacturer’s recommended use.

There was a big indoor yard sale at the Cullman County Ag Center a while back, and they had a churn just like the one that I remember from growing up. I say remember, but until I saw the one at the yard sale I hadn’t thought about that churn since we got a new refrigerator in 1997.

The yard sale made me think of the churn. This kind of thing happens to me all the time. Something will trigger my memory and I don’t just remember, I’m there. I think that’s why I like to go to yard sales and and thrift stores.

The churn took me back to the kitchen with it’s ancient white and black tile in a curious pattern. There was the refrigerator with it’s faux wooden inlays on the handles. Inside the fridge was the mystery Country Crock containers that Mom used for leftovers. Once she sent a bunch of them full of Mexican Cornbread (or something like that) to work with Dad so he could share with coworkers. One poor man opened his container to find actual Country Crock. I think we used Country Crock instead of butter because my grandfather had died of a heart attack.

The new refrigerator door stayed closed, so the churn was retired to the mud room. We were too emotionally attached to it to get rid of it, ugly as it was. The lid was long gone and it the finish was cracked and chipped, but because it had been with us so long it had earned a permanent spot on the register of Wells Home Furniture: we were not getting rid of it. It’s funny how you can become attached to a thing no matter how useless it has become.

When I was a teenager, we had an extended guest who broke the churn after carelessly moving it. I think my Mom cried. Because it had outlived it’s original use and it’s ad hoc use we didn’t replace it, its only function was sentimentality, a curio relic from a bygone era.

It would have been impossible to replace it anyway. It would be like replacing a family member. Shopping for a new one would have only made you sad about the one that you lost.

Look at that. I’m tearing up about a churn. I didn’t buy that churn at the yard sale. But I did just buy a new refrigerator the other day. It’s got an alarm that dings at you if the door is open.