A Husband's Guide to Christmas Shopping

My wife is a very reasonable person, an admirable characteristic, but there sometimes a gift must exceed the limits of practically and reach into frivolity and extravagance.

My wife is a very reasonable person, an admirable characteristic, but sometimes a gift must exceed the limits of practically and reach into frivolity and extravagance. You might could push your luck with a new appliance, but no woman wants to open a Christmas present and find a broom or mop.

I’m sure there are many things that I don’t do well, fortunately for my self esteem I’m only aware of a couple of them: chiefly, giving gifts. Especially to my wife. It’s a whole lot easier to just tell her, “I’ll take care of the kids this evening, why don’t you go out by yourself and go shopping?” She’s never disappointed to hear that and I think it helps keep her from losing her mind while she’s raising our kids. I pride myself on being able to pick up on subtle clues that she needs a night out. Like when she says, “I need to go out by myself soon.” I don’t plan to stop doing that, but let’s face it: that’s going to be a pretty lame Christmas present.

“A good gift should be something you really want, but won’t buy for yourself.”- Zach Wells

As I begin my Christmas shopping for my wife in earnest, I’ve decided to put together some of shopping principles for husbands who struggle to buy gifts for their wives.

Wives like gifts. They might tell you, “Oh don’t worry about getting me anything for Christmas.” But let’s be clear on this, no one wants to watch other people open presents and not have something to open on their own.

Clothes are dangerous. Picking out clothes for your wife could be disastrous unless you know exactly what they want and know their size. Furthermore, if you are a real red blooded man, you probably aren’t even hip to men’s fashion, much less ladies fashion.

Pajamas are safe. My wife did inform me that I was allowed to pick out some pajamas for her. Which is to say that she doesn’t mind me getting her clothes that she doesn’t have to be seen wearing.

Other articles of clothing you are allowed to get include: gloves, sunglasses, socks, house shoes, scarves, hair thingies, and earmuffs. Buy any other article of clothing at your own risk.

Candles. Unless your wife has respiratory issues, you’re probably safe to buy her a candle. Be prepared to be overwhelmed when you walk into the candle store though. It’s going to smell like a the fire department is trying to put out a spice factory fire with perfume. Instead of sticking your nose down in the jar and huffing until you get a headache, just go by the name. I recommend something with “Pie” in the name. No one really knows what a Zanzibar Clove is supposed to smell like, but everyone loves pie. I’ve been informed that those candles do not taste as good as they smell.

Pictures. If you want to really make your wife smile on Christmas morning, then make sure she unwraps a picture. It’s never been easier to print digital pictures, and if you know someone who is handy with photoshop, your wife might be getting a picture of you crossing the Delaware with Washington, or playing guitar with Elvis. If your wife doesn’t have a good sense of humor you could always just go with one of your favorite wedding photographs.

If any of you are still confused, here’s a short list of hot items that are sure to excite any wife this Christmas.

1. New House. Husbands who give their wives a new house for Christmas get a lifetime achievement award from NAOH (National Association of Husbands).

2. New Car

3. Fix that thing she has been telling you to fix.

4. Rain Head for the shower. Don’t tell her about this, just install it and leave in on the hard setting so she’s sure to notice.

5. Dishwasher. If your wife doesn’t have a dishwasher, she’ll appreciate this.

6. Spa package. I’m not sure what all goes on at the spa, but women seem to enjoy it.

7. New guitar

Since I’m running out of ideas, this is about all the advice that I can afford to give you. Like I said, I’m bad at this. I’m sure that you’ll do great this Christmas. Hopefully some wives will pitch in with some gift idea suggestions in the comments. They might be willing to help someone else’s husband, cause their husband ought to know.

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